Okay, Fine, I’ll Rank All the Chapters in Paper Mario

Nobody asked for this, yet here I am. 

Growing up, I had a Nintendo 64. The game I booted up the most—and it wasn’t even close—was Paper Mario. I poured hours upon hours into it, getting completely lost in the unique color schemes, adorable character designs, and satisfying turn-based combat. 

Nostalgia is an ache that feels good, so I recently replayed the game. As I made my way through each chapter, I thought: Huh. What’s up with this? Don’t get me wrong, this game will always have a special place in my heart. But where I once saw nothing but pure, unmitigated wonder, I now see some peaks and valleys, some areas of potential improvement. Still lots of wonder, of course. Such is the double-edged sword of nostalgia.

#8: Shy Guy’s Toy Box

Chapter 4 is my least favorite stretch of Paper Mario. The very first reason why—and it smacks you in the ear holes right when you hop into the toy box—is the music. It’s hyper, it’s high-pitched, it’s too much. 

You know what else is too much? The color scheme. Between the harsh geometries of the walls and the strange pink and beige floor tiles, it’s a real eyesore. I get that the slapdash nature of the environment is intentional to capture the playful chaos of the Shy Guys, but like…look at it. We could’ve at least made color choices that don’t make me feel vaguely ill.

Eck. (Source: Mario Wiki)

People give the Creepy Steeple chapter of Paper Mario and the Thousand Year Door a lot of shit for the backtracking. Shy Guy’s Toy Box, to me, is worse. At least the Creepy Steeple area is a cool place to backtrack in. With the Toy Box, you have to go back to Toad Town several times and return stolen items to progress. Although, now that I think about it, each return is a nice break from the hideous hues and Candyland music.

#7: A Star-Powered Showdown

Chapter 8 is our final battle, and it sucks that it ranks lower on my list. The main reason is the relative monotony of Bowser’s Castle. You beat up Koopa soldier after Koopa soldier, Bullet Bill after Bullet Bill, just oh my god so many enemies. It’s the final level, so obviously we need to crank up the difficulty, but the nonstop stream of baddies gets a bit old after a while. I would’ve liked to see more puzzles, more NPCs to do little side quests for, something along those lines. 

The monotony also comes from the space itself. Aside from a brief detour in a cave full of Bony Beetles, the castle is just a lot of gray brick rooms and hallways one after the next. Okay yeah it’s the iconic Bowser’s Castle, but mix it up a bit. A courtyard, a throne room, I dunno. Visually, it’s the anti-Shy Guy’s Toy Box. 

My last major critique is the climactic battle with Bowser. It’s fine, but I saw Peach and her loyal sidekick Twink (that name has aged…interestingly) as a big missed opportunity. We get to fight briefly as Twink against Kammy Koopa but can only use a basic bonk attack. And of course Peach sits on the sidelines and boosts his attacks with a Focus-like ability. There could’ve been more moves to choose from, and Peach could’ve been more involved to subvert the usual damsel in distress vibe.

To end on a positive note: Star Way and Star Haven are awesome.

#6: Dark Days in Flower Fields

Chapter 6 brings us to Flower Fields, a cheerful little meadow that enraged me as a kid. My dumb ass always got stuck at this chapter. I would reach the rising platform puzzle, get stabbed by thorns a few times, delete my save file, and start the game over again. I was obsessed with this game (and very bad at it), so I was happy to restart. I’ve played the first five chapters so many times. 

So I admit, maybe this chapter’s ranking is a residual from my childhood. But look, there’s like six different branching paths from the main area, I keep walking down the wrong one and trying to remember what was where, and that bucktoothed flower guy creeps me out. 

Look at these goobers. They probably don’t even pay taxes. (Source: Mario Wiki)

#5: Storming Koopa Bros. Fortress

What a cozy beginning to the journey. A trickling stream here, those stripey guys that throw hearts if you run around them over there. The nostalgia is at max when I’m in this chapter. Welcoming greenery, quaint Koopa villagers, lots of cute Fuzzies doing mischief. 

Once we get to the fortress, we’re introduced to the most bad-ass party member, Bombette. The fortress itself is fine, but once we get to the Koopa Bros, I kinda wish we would’ve skipped the mecha Bowser outfit they fight in and seen more sick Koopa shell moves. Ah well.

#4: A Star Spirit on Ice

Chapter 7 is one of the most unique chapters. Starting in a village of penguins with Minnesotan accents, you must prove your innocence in a lighthearted mystery involving the mayor, who is wearing the cutest lil trapper hat you ever did see. An author penguin named Herringway (get it?) helps you out, and I love the goofiness of it all. The townspeople deliver more personality here than other chapters, which is nice. Their dialogue is funny and full of variety. A green cop penguin even yells at you if you spin jump on the frozen pond (ACAB).

We also get to explore Crystal Palace, a dream-like space that’s delightful to explore. An airy, crystalline soundtrack fills the halls. The tomfoolery of the Duplighosts throughout is a fun change of pace from the usual combat, and the Crystal King is, to me at least, the hardest and most satisfying boss of the game. 

#3: The Mystery of Dry Dry Ruins

Storming Koopa Bros. Fortress was a pleasant warmup, but chapter 2 is where the story really starts to pick up for me. It may seem odd that this ranks so high given my earlier complaint about Bowser’s Castle being one long stretch of gray stone. You could say Dry Dry Desert is just screen after screen of yellow and orange. But the vastness of it is just more interesting to me. The music makes you feel like you’re wandering an actual desert, and the secrets sprinkled across the dunes reward you for exploring the space. Sure, the bandits and Pokeys get a bit annoying sometimes, but it’s all worth it to find that oasis, for example. Such a serene place. By the time I reached Dry Dry Outpost, I felt like I’d really been on a journey.

Then we get to Dry Dry Ruins. Between the ominous, sands-of-time-eternal music and the claustrophobically low ceilings, I bought fully into the Tomb Raider fantasy of it all. As a kid, you couldn’t tell me I wasn’t a dang explorer. Definitely a highlight of the game for me. 

The way this moment gave me chills as a child. (Source: Mario Wiki)

#2: The Invincible Tubba Blubba

Chapter 3 is an awesome 50/50 split between two very different vibes. In the first half, we wander through the Forever Forest and around Boo’s Mansion in a sort of precursor to Luigi’s Mansion. As a lover of all things spooky, I’m a sucker for this chapter. The dead overhanging trees, the pitch black sky, the otherworldly flowers that make the strangest noises. There could’ve been better enemies than Piranha Plants and Fuzzies to match the atmosphere, but the focus is the puzzle of getting through the forest rather than battle anyway. 

Boo’s Mansion is the perfect climax to this foray through the forest. It’s the icing on the creepy cake, featuring dancing Boos, a lovely purple-blue splash of color, and a lot of cobwebbed chandeliers. Plus, the giant vase that turns you into 8-bit Mario is a great easter egg. 

But we’re just getting started guys! After the mansion, we switch vibes from ghost to gulch. Gusty Gulch is, well, dusty. Akin in color and feel to Dry Dry Desert/Outpost, so that’s just a bit disappointing. We’re not seeing anything super new except tanned Boos living in tiny huts, so that’s neat I guess. 

The windmill at the edge of the gulch and Tubba Blubba’s house more than make up for this. The mill is imposing yet picturesque, and I loved exploring that giant house stocked with giant furniture. And that talking key guy? Underrated character. Those UFO-looking guards in the entrance hall can fuck right off though.                 

Also fan theory: Tubba Blubba is Bowser’s cousin or something. They’re related for sure. The character designs are just too similar. Also also: it’s genuinely unsettling when Tubba Blubba chases you through his house.

OH GOD. (Source: Zeldauniverse.net)

With the different locations and moods in this chapter, it definitely feels like the longest in the best way possible. But it still can’t beat one thing: YOSHIS. 

#1: Hot Times on Lava Lava Island

This. This is the place where I spent most of my time each and every playthrough, and I never wanted to leave. Yoshi Village and the surrounding jungle are an inseparable part of my childhood. The moment I hear those waves rush against the shore after hitching a ride from the whale, I feel so at home. That might sound dramatic, but look at how cute. 

Mentally, I’m here. (Source: Mario Wiki)

The upbeat island music, the colorful sprays of jungle plants in the background and foreground, Raphael the Raven and his giant tree. I could go on and on. Exploring the jungle is an enjoyable mix of water travel and walking through the undergrowth, fighting spear-wielding Shy Guys along the way. The ravens and Raphael in particular have a sort of otherworldly but reassuring presence, and rescuing the lost lil Yoshi kids is very rewarding. 

From there, we get to explore the depths of Mt. Lavalava. The roiling lava and steep caverns create a sense of epic exploration, and the final boss—a giant, flaming Piranha Plant—is metal as hell. So is the frantic escape from the once-dormant volcano as it explodes.

This chapter is the perfect blend of great combat, captivating environments, and varied characters. Yoshi Village is my favorite spot in the entire game because Yoshi has always been my favorite character in the entire Mario franchise, and translated in the Paper Mario art style, they’re just…I want to hug them. So bad.

So, there it is. The definitive, way-too-thorough breakdown of every Paper Mario chapter. What’s your favorite chapter? Least favorite? I’d love to hear your thoughts!